A few of my favorite things...

(Charlotte, you can copy this for your game if you want to, but I think it's way too easy. :-)

You may have seen or heard of "The Mom Song" by Anita Renfroe. If you haven't, check it out here on YouTube. (This isn't the original--not Anita Renfroe herself, but it's a good version.) It's a song based on what a mom says in 24 hours, condensed into two minutes. Trust me, it's hilarious.

The other day my good friend Kathie introduced me to a couple of similar songs by LDS singer/songwriter Hillary Weeks. Check this one out, also on YouTube:

"To Do List"

And my favorite:

"My Favorite Things"

I love it! I giggle every time I hear it! Bedtime and naptime and naptime and bedtime... :-)
Thanks Kathie!

My Musical Heritage

In 1974 my mom was the 3rd Place Winner in the Relief Society Short Story Contest for her story, "From Milk to Music." It was subsequently published in the February 1975 Ensign. "From Milk to Music" is the fictionalized account of how my great-grandmother milked cows and sold the milk to neighbors during the Great Depression in order to save money for a piano so her daughters could learn to accompany the hymns at church. This is part of my musical heritage. This is part of why I bought a piano last week.
Although I took piano lessons for about eight years of my childhood, I don't really play the piano. I regret quitting before I really got any good at it. Because of those piano lessons though, I know how to read music, and I can pick out at least the melody of many hymns and Primary songs. But I didn't buy the piano for me. I bought the piano so I can pass on my musical heritage to my boys.
The funny thing is, Jeff has been giving me a hard time about how he really didn't have a choice when I asked him if I could spend money on a piano. But guess who sat down and played with it for 45 minutes after we got it in the house. And guess who found the sheet music for Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" on the Internet, printed it, and was trying to pick it out when I came home from the gym this morning.

Welcome Home, and Thank You

Yesterday a neighbor of ours returned home from a year's deployment in Afghanistan. He was with the Utah Army National Guard, 142nd Military Intelligence Battalion, the same battalion Jeff was in for 3 1/2 years. His son and the Boy Scouts in our ward put flags in every yard on our street to welcome him home. As I was running errands yesterday, there were two other flag-lined streets within a mile of our house. I couldn't stop the tears when I saw a huge "Welcome Home Daddy" sign. I am grateful for the men and women who are willing to serve our country, but I have just as much respect for their families who endure without them for long stretches of time. They serve our country too.

And more food for thought

I was recently reminded of the talk "Daughters of God," given by Elder M. Russell Ballard in the April 2008 General Conference. It was good to read it again. Here's the quote that applies to the balancing I've been trying to figure out recently.

"Even as you try to cut out the extra commitments, sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children. . . . Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it."

Self-reliance

Not to be paranoid or anything, but every once in awhile I wonder how long we could live on our food storage, if we had to. I have a friend who's bishop one Sunday challenged them to live off what they had in their house for a week. Our food storage isn't in fantastic shape, but I think I could go two weeks if I had to, maybe even a month. I'd really miss fresh milk and fresh produce, but I think we could do it. I used to imagine scenarios like this would only be necessary if there was some kind of natural disaster. But with the current economic mess, I started thinking about how long we could last if we had no income. We'd have to go to the store because we really wouldn't try to live without milk or produce, but what expenses could we cut out or cut back on? What truly are necessities? How many months could we be completely self-reliant before we had to ask for help?

Several years ago I read a talk by President Marion G. Romney entitled "The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance." It's one of those talks that made so much sense to me that the message has stayed with me. I was happy to see it reprinted in the March 2009 Ensign. There are temporal reasons why being self-reliant is a good idea, but President Romney explains the spiritual reasons for being self-reliant. Here's a quote:

"Can we see how critical self-reliance becomes when looked upon as the prerequisite to service, when we also know service is what godhood is all about? Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak. . . . Once a person has been made whole, or self-reliant, he reaches out to aid others, and the cycle repeats itself."

I'm far from there, but that's where I'd like to be--self-reliant enough that I'm in a position where I can help others become self-reliant too.

SAHM

Okay, I think maybe I've been coming across as a whiner lately. So it's time to clear up a few things.

First things first. Although I have had my moments (okay, hours, maybe days) of feeling like Cinderella lately, and would welcome a fairy godmother with a magic wand, I am not without a handsome prince. Jeff takes care of me and believes in me and loves me in spite of my weaknesses. He is a great dad for our boys, he works hard for us, AND he cooks delicious dinners on a regular basis, just to name a few things. I am lucky to be married to him and to have him for my best friend.

Second, I love being a stay-at-home mom. Like any other job or occupation, it has it's frustrations (thus my whining), but I am grateful that I am able to stay at home, and given a choice, I wouldn't have it any other way. My family is my most important priority, and I can't imagine me, with the limitations I know I have, trying to juggle anything else right now, however worthy or fulfilling it may be. Also, I believe, as President Ezra Taft Benson and other prophets have counseled, that mothers should be at the crossroads. I know that if I went out and got a job, my kids would not automatically become juvenile delinquents. I trust, however, that they will be blessed and I will be blessed for staying home with them.

I visit teach another stay-at-home mom with a very large family. Her oldest two sons are on missions right now, and her youngest is not quite two years old. Just yesterday she was telling me how she's received some compliments lately about how calm and patient she is with her younger children. And she realizes she is more calm and patient with them than she was with her older children when they were young, because she has a different perspective. She can see now that how she raised her older children worked. She's getting some of the payoff. And she probably knows better what didn't work. I suppose I'm a little envious of that, but the older I get the more grateful I am for the process of learning from our experiences. She's just a few years ahead of me in the mothering experience. Anyway, the point is, I can't see right now what difference it might make that I am a stay-at-home mom. But I'm trying to do what I know I am supposed to do, despite the frustrations, and I'm trusting that somewhere down the road I will see some of the payoff too.

Which Disney character are you?

I'm Cinderella, before her fairy godmother showed up. At least that's what I feel like. And I'm really tired of it.

More food for thought

"President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) outlined the responsibilities we should consider when allocating and balancing our time to achieve success:

• • A responsibility to our families.

• • A responsibility to our employers.

• • A responsibility to the Lord’s work.

• • A responsibility to ourselves. This was particularly interesting to me. President Hinckley noted that we must allot time for rest, exercise, recreation, study, meditation, and temple worship in order to be balanced in our lives."

Quoted in "The Great Plan of Our God," by Elder L. Tom Perry in the Feb. 2009 Ensign, p. 65

Thank goodness I don't have an employer. I'm having a hard enough time balancing the other three!

A Science Experiment

What do you get when you combine a two-year-old (temporarily unsupervised), a microwave, and a homemade chocolate chip cookie? Carbon.

I was downstairs on the computer and started to smell something burning. I RAN upstairs and found the whole kitchen billowing in smoke, Dallin standing on a chair in front of the microwave, and 1:29 left to cook on the timer. I stopped the microwave, got Dallin down from the chair, and somehow had the forethought to use a hot pot holder to take the microwave dish out the back door and set it on top of the outside garbage can. Good thing for my hand that I did, as the garbage can lid now has a melted spot on it. I don't know how long this poor chocolate chip cookie cooked. Here is a picture of the culprit and his handiwork. Yes, he's cute. No, he did not get a replacement cookie!

Losing Yourself, Part 4

So, finally getting back to this. In November our local library board sponsored a free workshop called "Designing Your Life Vision." It appeared to be some type of scrapbooky thing, which I'm not really into (my cousin Kim got all those genes), but since I'm on the library board and they were worried about getting enough people there, I decided to go to it. Turns out, there wasn't any scrapbooking involved (although it would probably appeal to people who like to scrapbook). The instructor was a lady named Karen Pool, and she is a life coach. (If you are interested, you can find out more at www.lifeimagination.com.) The purpose of the workshop was to use creative processes, particularly writing exercises, to teach how to identify the goals and dreams of your heart, how to make plans to reach them, and how to overcome obstacles in the way of those dreams. That probably sounds really feel-good and idealistic, and some of it did come across that way, but the concepts and exercises were actually really useful and enlightening.

I'm finding the whole experience kind of hard to summarize, but so much of what was presented in the workshop tied into my struggle to balance nurturing myself with serving others. I think I'm just going to throw out some of the ideas and my reaction to them. Most of the first session was devoted to the writing exercises--answering questions such as "What is the purpose of my life?," "When am I the most me?," "What I like about myself is...," "When I was young I dreamed of being...," "Someday, I'd like to...," etc. She called this "creative brainstorming" or "putting your heart on paper." The key to it though, was that you had to write as many answers to each question as you could in a short time period, like two minutes. The purpose was to write so quickly that you captured your first thoughts/dreams on paper before your inner editor had a chance to interfere. Your first thoughts are the most powerful, the most authentic, and the most truthful. If you slow down and think before you write, you third thoughts are the ones that usually end up on the paper.

"Writing quickly without stopping connects you with your heart and deepest desires and quiets the critic that insists that what you want in life is too difficult to attain, or that you are unworthy--the voice in your head that keeps you in a downward spiral thinking."

She also encouraged us to start a "dream journal," a place to record these exercises, to paste pictures that represent our dreams and goals, and to write other thoughts we have as we identify and work towards them. (Sound familiar Charlotte?) It was fun and eye-opening to do the exercises, to "tap into my heart" and unbury some dreams/desires, to remember what brings me joy. As I did this, I recognized that pursuing some of these dreams would be a way of nurturing myself.

"Designing and detailing dreams on paper provides a safe place to begin the journey into the world of possibility."

One thing she alluded to, without coming out and quoting scripture, is that our dreams and goals and desires are a way of creating things spiritually before we create them physically. And that follows the pattern of the way God creates things (see Moses 3:5,7,9). That kind of hit me, especially after hearing Elder Uchtdorf's words about creating in his talk in the General Relief Society Meeting. Without being too religious about it (since we were at the public library and this wasn't a fireside), she also compared our dreams to the stones that the brother of Jared took up the mountain. We can ask ourselves, "What will I do to create light in my life? What 'stones' do I need to have touched by the finger of God?"

"If you know what your want--if you can state it clearly, the universe will move in your direction."--Goethe

"In the absence of clearly defined quality goals we become strongly loyal to performing daily trivia and eventually become enslaved to it." --Author Unknown

When she put this last quote up on the overhead, I read it and, sadly, recognized myself. It's not so much that performing daily trivia is bad. The laundry, the dishes, the grocery shopping, the cooking--it all has to be done, and those chores have value. I think part of my problem is that because I lack any other "clearly defined quality goals," the trivia consumes my life.

"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan for you. Guess what they have planned for you? Not much!"--Jim Rohn

The second session of the workshop continued some of the writing exercises, but also moved into creating and planning the detail of your life dreams, setting them in time. It was fun to make a 20-year life plan, to write down the ages of myself and each family member for the next 20 years, and to think about goals in different areas of my life--spiritual, physical, financial, relationships, personal growth--and when I might be able to focus on them. It was nice for the perfectionist in me to get a more tangible grip on the idea that I don't have to do it all now, that I have years ahead of me to work towards my dreams. It was also easy to see that IF we don't have any more children, my youngest will be in school full-time starting four years from this fall, which would free up a little more time for me to pursue some of my as-yet-not-clearly-defined-quality goals.

But this is where the fun and excitement of all this dreaming started to morph into guilt and confusion. I felt guilty about wishing my life away, about dreaming of when my kids won't be so demanding so I can pursue some of my own interests. I started wondering if instead of seeking and exploring my dreams, I just need to be content with where I am, with the "daily trivia," with the joys and challenges of raising four beautiful and precious sons of God. President Uchtdorf said that teaching and nurturing children is participating in God's work of creation. Maybe that should be enough for me for now. I started wondering if all this life coaching stuff is just "philosophies of men"--not evil ideas, but maybe just things that I shouldn't be paying attention to right now, that shouldn't be my priorities. Maybe nurturing myself right now is just selfish. And I am afraid of being selfish.

So that was my mindset going into the third and last session of the workshop, which just happened to be focused on identifying and overcoming obstacles to our dreams. So as the instructor talked about fears and doubts and limiting assumptions and beliefs that keep us from pursuing and reaching our goals, I was questioning the whole idea that I should be pursuing them in the first place. In the course of the conversation I tried try to express some of my concerns. I wasn't doing a very good job of putting my feelings into words, but a couple of the other women in the workshop knew what I was trying to say and took over for me. One gave me the title of these posts--trying to lose yourself in service without losing yourself. Another one encouraged me to trust myself, that I won't pursue dreams that go counter to my values. And the instructor pointed out that when we give ourselves permission to dream, we give our children permission to dream too, and that is important. By this point, I was in tears again. I really appreciated their concern and advice. It did help, but the workshop ended and I left still wondering how to make it all work in my life. I sat in my van in the parking lot and sobbed again until I could see to drive home.

A day or two later I was driving to pick up the kids from school and the check engine light came on in my van. For some reason I wished right then that I had a personal check engine light to let me know when I needed maintainence or repair, something to tell me that it's okay to take care of myself, maybe even urgent. Then it occurred to me that maybe my episodes of sobbing are my check engine light--my signal that something is wrong that I need to address ASAP. That was kind of a comforting thought.

So here I am, still trying to process all this and find the best answers for me. I know it's not an all or nothing thing--serving others vs. nurturing myself. And I know figuring it out will be a process and an invaluable learning experience. Jeff has been aware of a lot of this, although I don't think I've discussed it with him in as much detail as I've written here. Still, he was so thoughtful and put so much effort into getting me a digital SLR camera and lenses for Christmas and my birthday, knowing that I need a hobby and that I'm interested in photography. Part of his gift is that he will take care of the kids while I take a photography class. I'm still determined to do that, but it just didn't fit in the family schedule after Christmas, of course. And then the bishop called me in and asked me to be the Primary president. And I couldn't say no. I haven't had any more sobbing sessions, but I know my check engine light is still red, because I haven't solved anything.

So how do you do it? Any tips? Do you feel balanced? I haven't responded to all the comments on my previous posts like I intended to, but I know I'm not alone in this. I think this is a critical issue for many moms, and probably for a lot of women in general. Sorry I haven't been able to give anyone all the answers. I hope no one was expecting a resolution! Any men out there deal with similar issues? The workshop I went to was only attended by women, but life coaching isn't limited to women, and service and creating and the need to nurture self certainly aren't either. (Not that many men read my blog, but I know of a few.) If you've stuck with me all this way and care to share your thoughts, I look forward to them.

On my soapbox

I'll get back to my "Losing Myself" posts eventually. In the meantime, I gotta add this. Apparently blogs are not the "in thing" anymore. I'm discovering all my cousins and many of my friends are on Facebook. (I am too, but I don't do much with it. Just don't have the time.) But when will Facebook cease to be the "in thing?" I haven't really decided how I feel about it. At the very least, I hope no one gives up on blogs in favor of it anytime soon.

One other thought about Facebook (and any other similar internet social networking methods). I see so many friends and family members (you know who you are!) who have posted their birthdate and other sensitive information out there for everyone to see. Have you heard of identity theft? I know it can happen to anyone, but why make it easier? It's a crime of opportunity, and posting your birthdate on Facebook gives lots of people the opportunity. I just did the child safety/abuse prevention requirement with my new Cub Scout son a few days ago. If, like the Boy Scouts of America (and a lot of other people) are saying, we are supposed to be teaching our children to protect personal information and not share it with anyone over the internet, why are WE doing it? Posting naked pictures of your babies is a bad idea for similar reasons. So I'll get off my soapbox now, but if the shoe fits...do something about it! Now!