Losing Yourself, Part 3

The beginning of this post may not seem directly related to the others of the same title, but bear with me (if you feel like it). It all ties into where I am right now. A couple years ago a friend recommended a book that I've previously posted a summary of here. It's called The Parenting Breakthrough: A Real-Life Plan to Teach Kids to Work, Save Money, and Be Truly Independent, by Merilee Browne Boyack. I really like the parenting principles in this book, especially the ideas for gradually teaching your children skills that will help them learn to be independent, productive adults. Last summer I decided it was high time to put some of these ideas into practice. I helped my three older boys set some goals for learning and doing age-appropriate skills--chores, reading, family scripture study, Cub Scouts requirements, etc. I tried to keep them simple, doable, and relatively short-term. There were intermediate rewards, but the big prize for reaching their summer goals was a trip to Lagoon, Utah's only amusement park (made especially tantalizing by driving past it every time we go to Jeff's parents house). The kids seemed okay with the goals, but were more excited about the rewards, of course. In the book, Sister Boyack also asserts that the real reward is that when your kids learn how to do things by themselves it becomes a source of self-esteem and empowerment for them. That made sense too.

Dummy me though. I should have known better than to expect that my kids would want to learn how to mop the floor because it would make them feel more grown up and independent, or even because it would help them get to Lagoon. I still believe the principles in the book are good, and I haven't given up on them, but either I didn't apply them effectively, or I just expected too much. I spent the whole summer babying my kids toward their goals, prodding them along, trying to help them and teach them, but nagging and listening to their whining more than anything. By mid-August the goals on their lists were all checked off, but I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. We went to Lagoon, but I felt like I had earned it for them. I knew my efforts hadn't been in vain, that my boys had made some progress and learned a few things, but I wasn't sure it was worth all the trouble. I was so tired and so ready for school to start again, ready to not have everybody home 24/7. I felt guilty for feeling that way, but I was to the point that I thought if I could just make it until school started, I could recuperate and hang on to my sanity.

Then school did start and I had a little more room to breathe, but my state of mind didn't get any better. I couldn't figure it out. The end of September came, and I went to the broadcast of the General Relief Society Meeting really hungry for something to lift me up, something to guide me out of the slump I was in. I had great expectations because General Conference and the General Relief Society Meeting are always a feast for me, a chance to recharge my batteries. And boy, did they need recharging. I don't remember why, but the Saturday of the broadcast was a particularly awful day for me. I dressed and went to the stake center alone, in a bad mood, just praying to be able to feel the Spirit and get something out of it.

The talks from the General Relief Society presidency were all good, but surprisingly, none of them spoke to me. I felt even more discouraged. Then President Uchtdorf stood up to the pulpit and said the words I needed to hear. You can read his talk, entitled "Happiness, Your Heritage," here, or listen to it here. I won't try summarize everything he said, but he addressed it to "those who have ever felt inadequate, discouraged, or weary"--ME, right then and there. In the kind and gentle way that to me is becoming his trademark, he validated my feelings and challenges, then taught two principles that can allow us to feel God's happiness despite our burdens--creation and compassion.

As I listened, I realized that the God-given part of me that needs to create is starving. Tears came to my eyes. I felt that my mental and emotional fatigue will be lessened and my emptiness will be filled if I can find a way to feed that need to create. It was eye-opening to me, but I knew I'd have to ponder more on exactly what and how I need to go about creating.

Elder Uchtdorf continued on to talk about compassion, about serving and lifting others. His words motivated me to look for more small and simple things I can do for those around me, but I didn't feel like I was as lacking in compassion as I am in creation. As I listened further though, he said, "As we lose ourselves in the service of others, we discover our own lives and our own happiness." Then he said, "You wonderful sisters render compassionate service to others for reasons that supersede desires for personal benefits. In this you emulate the Savior. . . . His thoughts were always tuned to help others. He taught, healed, conversed, and listened to others. . . . He taught and lived by this doctrine: 'He that is greatest among you shall be your servant.'" (Matt. 23:11). This got me thinking all over again about the balance between serving others and nourishing myself, filling my own cup. How do I follow the example of Christ--that I want to follow--and lose myself in the service of others, without losing myself? It seems like the part of me that needs nourishing--the part of me that needs to create--is the part of me that gets neglected as I use most of my time and energy in the service of others, which is supposed to help me discover myself and my happiness. I do find happiness and fulfillment in serving others most of the time, but other times I just feel burned out, depleted. If the principles of creation and compassion will help me feel God's happiness, how can I find room for both in my finite life?

As I took in Elder Uchtdorf's talk, my emotions were mixed. I was relieved and confused, happy that my challenges were validated and addressed, just as I'd hoped, but unsure exactly how to apply his counsel to my life. As I left the meeting, I couldn't keep the tears from coming. I drove to a park and sat in my van and sobbed until I could compose myself enough to go home.

Yes, there's still at least one more part to this long story. Stay tuned. If you want to.

Fun FHE

So here's a little break for you from some of my deeper thoughts. Our three oldest boys got Razor scooters for Christmas, but haven't been able to play much with them due to the snow and cold weather. In fact, they've been watching TV and playing computer games and haven't been outside hardly at all since the snow from the last storm turned icy and crunchy. So tonight for Family Home Evening we took their scooters and their roller blades and headed to Classic Skating, our local roller rink. Skates, blades, scooters, and even strollers are all allowed on the rink, and Family Night is $10 per family, up to six people. It's a bargain, even though we also had to rent adult skates and a little three-wheeled Spiderman scooter for Dallin. (That will be a purchase in the near future, I'm sure. He loved it.) My goal was to get the kids to exercise a little, burn some energy, maybe even wear themselves out. Well they got some exercise, but I'm the one who's worn out. It was fun and felt good though. I wish I could find more fun and easy ways like that to work a little exercise into my life. Maybe we'll just have to go to the roller rink for FHE more often.

Losing Yourself, Part 2

About six years ago I read a book that was very helpful to me in combating some of the irrational thinking that often accompanies clinical depression. I go back to it like a reference book whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed. The title is a bit lame, but the book is great: I'm a Day Late and a Dollar Short...and It's Okay, by Jo Ann Larsen.

Chapter 1 is titled, "The Caretaker." The premise is that one of women's foremost strengths is that she is designed to be a caretaker, "a dispenser of...emotional supplies", who nurtures and meets the needs of those around her. However, this attribute can also be her Achilles heel. Ms. Larsen then goes on to make the distinction between "unconscious caretaking" and "conscious caretaking." Unconscious caretakers simply respond to the demands put upon them, always giving, giving, and only reluctlantly receiving. They tend to stretch themselves beyond their limits, often resulting in fatigue, resentment, anger, guilt, or worse. Conscious caretakers "take charge of their lives and their choices, realizing that they have "limited time, energy, and resources." They make sure that they take care of themselves so there is enough of them to give to others. And the key to being a conscious caretaker is setting firm boundaries, including a boundary around space for nourishing yourself. And that isn't selfish, because it isn't selfish to take care of yourself.

Sound good? My summary is a little textbook, but yep, I think so too. Boundaries are a great idea. Just SO much easier said than done. I suppose I've gotten better at it. I can say no to telemarketers, even hang up on them. I can say no to solicitors at the front door. I can say no to the PTA fundraisers and the room mom, if I need to. I can say no to the friend who asks me to watch her kids at the exact same time I've made arrangements to go to the temple with my husband. I can say no to almost anything if I have a legitimate excuse. But I haven't figured out how to say no when I don't have a good excuse. And I really don't know how to set boundaries when it comes to my family. How do I tell my four little boys and my husband, at any given time, that my needs are more important than theirs? The only boundary that works for me there--sometimes--is the lock on the bathroom door! And that's usually an unsatisfactory and very temporary fix. As for nourishing myself, well, I get to yoga class when nothing else conflicts, and I've developed a scripture study routine that works fairly well on days when the kids are in school. But as my husband has recently advertised, I have no hobbies. And honestly, when I look at the family calendar, I don't know how I would fit one in.

So once again, I know the counsel is good; I believe it; I don't quite know how to do it. At the moment I guess I feel good about being aware, and about trying to figure this out. I know it's a process, but the sooner I can figure it out, the better.

Part 3 to follow, eventually.

Losing Yourself in Service without Losing Yourself, Part 1

There is no way I'm going to get all my thoughts down in one post, so here is the first installment.

Let's start way back in the year 2000. We were living in Cincinnati. It was ward conference and President Hahl had asked that all the sisters in the ward attend Relief Society that Sunday. His message, as I remember it, was that as women we give and give and give and show compassion and do good, and that is to our credit, but we also need to take the time and make the effort to fill our own cups too. I remember him saying something to the effect that some things have to be done individually--no one else can develop your talents, no one else can build your testimony, no one else can work out your salvation. I only had one child at the time, and probably one on the way, but I still wondered how in the world I could squeeze me into the equation, in between the meals, laundry, diaper changes, and everything else. I needed to hear what he said, and it really hit home, but I had no clue how to put it into practice. A lot of water has crossed under the bridge since then, and I have learned a few things, but I still don't really know how to do what he counseled us to do. And it bugs me.

More to come in Part 2.

Catching Up

I have some thoughts running through my head that I really want to blog about, but I have some catching up to do first.

Many thanks to Jeff's parents who took our kids for three days before Christmas so we could have an anniversary get-away. It was so nice to have some down time, just the two of us. We raced a snowstorm up Provo Canyon to the Homestead Resort in Midway. I shouldn't say we raced, because we actually drove very slowly and carefully, but it was a race to get up there before the roads got too bad. It snowed most of the time we were up there, so we just hung out at the resort and didn't do too much exploring out in the treacherous winter wonderland. Still, we really had fun. Since we moved back Utah County, we've gone back to some of the places that were significant to us when we were dating/newly-married. We've discovered that you just have to hang on to those memories, because it's pretty hard to relive them. It's better and more fun to make new memories. Our new favorite memory? Hot-tubbing in the snow! It was a blast!

I told Jeff I'd make a snow angel if he'd go back to our room and get the camera. I wasn't going to do it without a way to prove that I'd done it! He said he'd make one too if I would go get the camera. So I put my boots and coat on over my wet swimming suit and hiked back to room for the camera. It was worth it--and it was COLD! But then the hot tub felt better than ever!



While we were hot-tubbing in the snow, the boys were seeing the Christmas light display at Willard Bay, building a gingerbread train, sledding at Happy Hollow, and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows in the snow. Thanks Grandma and Papa!



We had a nice Christmas. Santa was good to us, as were grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. We enjoyed the gifts, but mostly we just enjoyed the family time. Jared wrote a cute note to Santa that I had to take a picture of:


He did get his robot. And here is Dallin playing with one of his favorite gifts:


Our New Year's was extremely uneventful, but we made up for it on the 3rd when Ryan was baptized. He and two buddies from his Primary class were baptized in the same meeting. After the baptism we hosted 30 family members for lunch at our house. I am so thankful to live close to family again, so that we can celebrate important events like this together. We are proud of Ryan for wanting to follow Jesus Christ, and for preparing himself well. He has a strong sense of right and wrong, and a great desire to do what is right. We are blessed to be his parents.


And finally, Jeff really outdid himself for my birthday this year. He has been reveling in the fact that he has set new birthday gift standards for husbands everywhere. :-) He says he hasn't scored this many points from my friends since he brought me flowers at work for no particular reason. I knew I wasn't getting any gifts because the camera I got for Christmas was for my birthday too. So I wasn't expecting the large envelope Jeff handed me, full of cards and letters and gifts from good friends, and the new blog he created for me, full of more birthday wishes and kind words from people I love. I was in tears reading them all. What a great birthday present! To all of you who participated, thank you, thank you! And if you are reading this now and feel bad because you didn't know about it, that's okay. Jeff contacted as many people as he could get in touch with, but he didn't have access to all my e-mail addresses because I hadn't finished updating my address book. (Now that my birthday is past, he's complaining that he's not getting any interesting e-mail anymore.) Still, it was overwhelming to hear from so many people, and to think of the many more dear friends I didn't hear from this time, plus the ones I've lost touch with (hopefully temporarily). I am rich with friends! Thank you!

Holiday Greetings from the Packers

New Year's Day, 2009

I told myself weeks ago that I wasn't going to stress about doing Christmas cards or letters this year. Then the cards and letters and pictures from family and friends started showing up in our mailbox and inboxes. I enjoy getting them and catching up with loved ones so much that I felt bad about not returning the favor. But I also knew it wasn't going to happen until after Christmas. We hope you had a wonderful holiday season, and wish you all the best for the new year.

For the first time in a long time, we don't have a new address or a new baby to announce this year. We love our home in Pleasant Grove and feel acclimated and happy to be where we are. We miss the friends we made as we moved around the country, but cherish those memories as we enjoy being close to family and mountains again.

JEFF is still working hard to build the German program at Utah Valley University. He's hoping to put together a study abroad trip to Berlin for next summer--anything to get back to Germany for a few weeks. He was happy to be released from teaching the Primary children and Cub Scouts when he was called as the Young Men's secretary at church. Jeff is still crazy about radio control model airplanes and cycling, but he also planted and cared for a successful vegetable garden this year. And a good part of his summer was taken up with a major home improvement project--digging two 4' x 4' x 8'-deep holes to patch some narrow cracks in our foundation. With the cracks patched, we are ready to start remodeling the basement bathroom and bedroom that flooded earlier in the year. Jeff's next project is teaching himself how to tile a shower. I'm really glad he's handy--when he wants to be.

DALLIN just turned two and moved into a twin bed over the holidays. He is a pleasant kid, smiley and giggly and quite the tease. Once he really started talking there was no stopping him, just as we expected. He mimics everything, English or German, and just recently started speaking some sentences. Dallin is a little "helper," often driving his mommy crazy in the kitchen when she's trying to get dinner ready. He loves to be outside, and enjoys all the normal toys that little boys love, plus a few that his older brothers would prefer he didn't get into. It's been fun to watch him grow this year.

JARED, 4 1/2, started preschool this fall. He has really picked up on letters and numbers with the help of his fantastic teacher, but loves the interaction with friends at school as much as anything. When Mommy lets him, he enjoys playing games on pbskids.org and watching PBS shows on TV. Jared took his first two sessions of swimming lessons in June, which he was not at all excited about. We're hoping he'll enjoy them a little more next summer. Four-year-old boys are just plain fun, and Jared is no exception. He's a delight to have in our family.

RYAN just turned eight and will be baptized this month. We are happy that he has chosen to follow Jesus Christ and wants to do what is right. He is excited about finally being able to be a Cub Scout too. He played coach-pitch baseball last spring, with his dad as the coach. Swimming lessons went well, although he won't go near the deep end yet. Ryan also played recreational soccer for the first time this past summer. He is a great little goalie--his preferred position because it required less running around in the heat. Ryan continues to excel in all subjects at school, but especially loves reading. He read the entire Harry Potter series TWICE during 2008. We gave him some new books for Christmas in an effort to broaden his horizons just a bit.

ADAM, age 10, isn't our little boy anymore. We have just three short years to figure out parenting before he becomes a teenager! He enjoyed Jr. Jazz basketball early in the year. In the spring he played his first year of Little League with the kids pitching to each other. His team didn't do so well, but he continues to improve his skills. If Adam ever gets a growth spurt, he may give Michael Phelps a run for his money in the swimming pool. He is our fish, making great strides, er, I mean strokes, in swimming lessons. Adam does well in school, but is also gaining a reputation for his knowledge of interesting facts and trivia. He continues to use his musical talent by singing in the elementary school choir. He earned his Bear badge in Cub Scouts last summer, and is now excited about being a Webelos Scout. He looks so sharp in his new Scout uniform.

HARMONY continues to hold down the fort and tries to keep everything balanced. In addition to enjoying my family, I still attend an occasional yoga class, read an occasional novel, and write an occasional blog entry. I volunteered for the city library board and now serve as it's secretary. At church I started the year teaching Primary children, then moved to Primary secretary and Cub Scout den leader, then to 2nd counselor in the Primary presidency. Teaching children about the Gospel of Jesus Christ is a challenging but rewarding privilege. I also enjoy singing in the ward choir. On top of all of this, Jeff decided I needed a hobby and conspired with our parents to buy me a really nice Canon digital SLR camera for Christmas. And he's promised to take care of the kids while I take a photography class. I feel a little liked I'm being forced into this hobby, but I don't think I'm going to mind.

Our lives are filled with work, school, church, Cub Scouts, sports, and family activities. Our travels were limited to family events in Idaho and Utah. Some of our favorite memories of the year were camping with Jeff's family in the Uintah mountains in June, playing with Harmony's family at a ranch house reunion in August, and a trip to the Lagoon amusement park that the kids earned by doing chores and reaching their summer goals. Jeff lost both of his maternal grandparents this year, but they had lived long, good lives. We miss them, but know that we will be reunited with them when the Lord calls us home. We are so grateful for the peace and joy He gives us. We are also grateful for you, our loved ones. Our relationships with you enrich and bless our lives.

Love,
The Packers
Jeff, Harmony, Adam, Ryan, Jared, & Dallin