Being Positive

I recently inherited a copy of the book "MEE Thinks," by Mary Ellen Edmunds, from Jeff's grandma's bookshelf. I grabbed it last week when I was looking for a book to take on our family camping trip. During the previous two weeks I had cruised through all the other "to-read" books I had on hand in what I have since realized was a binge effort to escape the chaos that is my summertime. Turns out this was a good book to pick up for a camping trip--51 very short but uplifting chapters of her thoughts on life--easy to pick up and put down. Mary Ellen Edmunds is one of my favorite speakers. I love how genuine she is. She has a gift for being truthful and sincere while at the same time being completely entertaining and hilarious. This particular thought she shared about being positive hit home, as I've been struggling to be patient and positive with my kids. [It's just coincidence that the boy in the story shares the name of one of my sons.]

"I was on my way from Salt Lake City to Atlanta. I had boarded the flight, settled down in 23F by the window, swallowed my Dramamine, and shut my eyes. And I was observing. I know observing would seem to be an activity we do with our eyes open, but I was observing with them shut. I was listening and feeling. Seat 23E was unoccupied. A youngish-sounding mother was in 23D on the aisle. Across the aisle was her son Ryan, then his Dad in 23B, and a sister by the window in 23A. What I observed was that the mother was trying to get Ryan to sit still and be quiet. The comments went something like this: 'Ryan, don't yell!' 'Ryan, quit kicking the seat.' 'Ryan, don't play with your seat belt.' 'Ryan, quit whining!' 'Ryan, don't put your elbows in the aisle.' 'Ryan, lower your voice!' 'Ryan, stop it!'"
"Ryan sounded about five years old, and it seemed that nothing he did was right. He was curious and fidgety as passengers came down the aisle, and his mother was trying to get him to be polite and quiet. At one point she said something like, 'Ry-Ry, do you want to color?" He didn't, but a few minutes later I heard him ask, 'Mommy, do you call me Ry-Ry?'"
"She said, 'Yes, sometimes I do.'"
"He was quiet for a few seconds and then said, 'I want you to call me Ry-Ry all the time.'"
"I think I figured it out. He liked it when she was positive with him. And in this instance it happened when she called him Ry-Ry instead of Ryan. Could you ever tell when your mother was upset because she used your entire proper name in that certain tone of voice?"
"Eventually the plane took off and headed east, and Ry-Ry decided he wanted to come and sit in 23E. We had a splendid time all the way to Atlanta. He was in a mood to ask a lot of questions, and I was in a mood to give the most off-the-wall, improbable answers I could think of, complete with funny faces and amazing noises. Ryan's mommy and daddy were both trying to get us to settle down a bit, and we tried. Sort of. But we were on a roll, and the hours went by faster than usual. By the time we got to Atlanta, Ry-Ry was asking if I could go home with them, and he seemed genuinely disappointed that I was going somewhere besides Orlando."
"Now it's time to think about this. How do you respond when someone is constantly negative toward you and others and life? How does it make you feel when you can't seem to do anything right? And, on the other hand, how do you feel when you're around someone who's usually positive?"
"Can you think of someone in your life who has waited way too long to hear a positive comment from you? If you really think about this, you're likely to have someone come to mind. Start with your immediate family, and think of each person individually. You may discover that you have a child, a brother or sister, a parent, a grandchild, an aunt or uncle, or someone else who needs to hear something positive from you. And, interestingly, think about yourself. What kinds of messages do you give to yourself? Are you far too negative? I'm just guessing that for too many of us that's the case--we're too hard, too negative, on ourselves. Come up with a couple of true, positive comments--one for you, and one for a friend--and see what happens when you pass them on."

I've really been thinking about this. I've been trying to remember what it was like when I was a kid. Did my siblings and I drive my mom crazy sometimes? No doubt about it. Did my mom lose her patience and yell at us? I'm sure she did, on occasion. How did that make me feel? Guilty, sometimes. Did it help? Did it make a difference? I don't remember. Would something else have been more effective in those instances? I don't know. And what will work with my kids? Yelling doesn't seem to solve anything for long, and it really just makes me feel like a grouch.

I know I don't enjoy being around people who are negative. In fact, some of my favorite people in the whole world are my favorite people because they are positive--they lift me up and make me want to be a better person. How can I do that for my kids? I certainly want them to want to be better. My current tactics just seem to put them on the defensive instead. So I'm thinking about ways to be positive with them. I'm thinking about ways to correct them kindly, and only when necessary. I read in a parenting book once (can't remember which one) something to the effect that, on average, kids hear 7 negative things for every one positive thing they hear, but that the positive things they hear are much more powerful for shaping their behavior. Today I did pretty well at biting my tongue a little more than I have lately. Tomorrow I'll start looking for more positives, and we'll see how this goes...