Losing Yourself, Part 4

So, finally getting back to this. In November our local library board sponsored a free workshop called "Designing Your Life Vision." It appeared to be some type of scrapbooky thing, which I'm not really into (my cousin Kim got all those genes), but since I'm on the library board and they were worried about getting enough people there, I decided to go to it. Turns out, there wasn't any scrapbooking involved (although it would probably appeal to people who like to scrapbook). The instructor was a lady named Karen Pool, and she is a life coach. (If you are interested, you can find out more at www.lifeimagination.com.) The purpose of the workshop was to use creative processes, particularly writing exercises, to teach how to identify the goals and dreams of your heart, how to make plans to reach them, and how to overcome obstacles in the way of those dreams. That probably sounds really feel-good and idealistic, and some of it did come across that way, but the concepts and exercises were actually really useful and enlightening.

I'm finding the whole experience kind of hard to summarize, but so much of what was presented in the workshop tied into my struggle to balance nurturing myself with serving others. I think I'm just going to throw out some of the ideas and my reaction to them. Most of the first session was devoted to the writing exercises--answering questions such as "What is the purpose of my life?," "When am I the most me?," "What I like about myself is...," "When I was young I dreamed of being...," "Someday, I'd like to...," etc. She called this "creative brainstorming" or "putting your heart on paper." The key to it though, was that you had to write as many answers to each question as you could in a short time period, like two minutes. The purpose was to write so quickly that you captured your first thoughts/dreams on paper before your inner editor had a chance to interfere. Your first thoughts are the most powerful, the most authentic, and the most truthful. If you slow down and think before you write, you third thoughts are the ones that usually end up on the paper.

"Writing quickly without stopping connects you with your heart and deepest desires and quiets the critic that insists that what you want in life is too difficult to attain, or that you are unworthy--the voice in your head that keeps you in a downward spiral thinking."

She also encouraged us to start a "dream journal," a place to record these exercises, to paste pictures that represent our dreams and goals, and to write other thoughts we have as we identify and work towards them. (Sound familiar Charlotte?) It was fun and eye-opening to do the exercises, to "tap into my heart" and unbury some dreams/desires, to remember what brings me joy. As I did this, I recognized that pursuing some of these dreams would be a way of nurturing myself.

"Designing and detailing dreams on paper provides a safe place to begin the journey into the world of possibility."

One thing she alluded to, without coming out and quoting scripture, is that our dreams and goals and desires are a way of creating things spiritually before we create them physically. And that follows the pattern of the way God creates things (see Moses 3:5,7,9). That kind of hit me, especially after hearing Elder Uchtdorf's words about creating in his talk in the General Relief Society Meeting. Without being too religious about it (since we were at the public library and this wasn't a fireside), she also compared our dreams to the stones that the brother of Jared took up the mountain. We can ask ourselves, "What will I do to create light in my life? What 'stones' do I need to have touched by the finger of God?"

"If you know what your want--if you can state it clearly, the universe will move in your direction."--Goethe

"In the absence of clearly defined quality goals we become strongly loyal to performing daily trivia and eventually become enslaved to it." --Author Unknown

When she put this last quote up on the overhead, I read it and, sadly, recognized myself. It's not so much that performing daily trivia is bad. The laundry, the dishes, the grocery shopping, the cooking--it all has to be done, and those chores have value. I think part of my problem is that because I lack any other "clearly defined quality goals," the trivia consumes my life.

"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan for you. Guess what they have planned for you? Not much!"--Jim Rohn

The second session of the workshop continued some of the writing exercises, but also moved into creating and planning the detail of your life dreams, setting them in time. It was fun to make a 20-year life plan, to write down the ages of myself and each family member for the next 20 years, and to think about goals in different areas of my life--spiritual, physical, financial, relationships, personal growth--and when I might be able to focus on them. It was nice for the perfectionist in me to get a more tangible grip on the idea that I don't have to do it all now, that I have years ahead of me to work towards my dreams. It was also easy to see that IF we don't have any more children, my youngest will be in school full-time starting four years from this fall, which would free up a little more time for me to pursue some of my as-yet-not-clearly-defined-quality goals.

But this is where the fun and excitement of all this dreaming started to morph into guilt and confusion. I felt guilty about wishing my life away, about dreaming of when my kids won't be so demanding so I can pursue some of my own interests. I started wondering if instead of seeking and exploring my dreams, I just need to be content with where I am, with the "daily trivia," with the joys and challenges of raising four beautiful and precious sons of God. President Uchtdorf said that teaching and nurturing children is participating in God's work of creation. Maybe that should be enough for me for now. I started wondering if all this life coaching stuff is just "philosophies of men"--not evil ideas, but maybe just things that I shouldn't be paying attention to right now, that shouldn't be my priorities. Maybe nurturing myself right now is just selfish. And I am afraid of being selfish.

So that was my mindset going into the third and last session of the workshop, which just happened to be focused on identifying and overcoming obstacles to our dreams. So as the instructor talked about fears and doubts and limiting assumptions and beliefs that keep us from pursuing and reaching our goals, I was questioning the whole idea that I should be pursuing them in the first place. In the course of the conversation I tried try to express some of my concerns. I wasn't doing a very good job of putting my feelings into words, but a couple of the other women in the workshop knew what I was trying to say and took over for me. One gave me the title of these posts--trying to lose yourself in service without losing yourself. Another one encouraged me to trust myself, that I won't pursue dreams that go counter to my values. And the instructor pointed out that when we give ourselves permission to dream, we give our children permission to dream too, and that is important. By this point, I was in tears again. I really appreciated their concern and advice. It did help, but the workshop ended and I left still wondering how to make it all work in my life. I sat in my van in the parking lot and sobbed again until I could see to drive home.

A day or two later I was driving to pick up the kids from school and the check engine light came on in my van. For some reason I wished right then that I had a personal check engine light to let me know when I needed maintainence or repair, something to tell me that it's okay to take care of myself, maybe even urgent. Then it occurred to me that maybe my episodes of sobbing are my check engine light--my signal that something is wrong that I need to address ASAP. That was kind of a comforting thought.

So here I am, still trying to process all this and find the best answers for me. I know it's not an all or nothing thing--serving others vs. nurturing myself. And I know figuring it out will be a process and an invaluable learning experience. Jeff has been aware of a lot of this, although I don't think I've discussed it with him in as much detail as I've written here. Still, he was so thoughtful and put so much effort into getting me a digital SLR camera and lenses for Christmas and my birthday, knowing that I need a hobby and that I'm interested in photography. Part of his gift is that he will take care of the kids while I take a photography class. I'm still determined to do that, but it just didn't fit in the family schedule after Christmas, of course. And then the bishop called me in and asked me to be the Primary president. And I couldn't say no. I haven't had any more sobbing sessions, but I know my check engine light is still red, because I haven't solved anything.

So how do you do it? Any tips? Do you feel balanced? I haven't responded to all the comments on my previous posts like I intended to, but I know I'm not alone in this. I think this is a critical issue for many moms, and probably for a lot of women in general. Sorry I haven't been able to give anyone all the answers. I hope no one was expecting a resolution! Any men out there deal with similar issues? The workshop I went to was only attended by women, but life coaching isn't limited to women, and service and creating and the need to nurture self certainly aren't either. (Not that many men read my blog, but I know of a few.) If you've stuck with me all this way and care to share your thoughts, I look forward to them.