Losing Yourself, Part 2
About six years ago I read a book that was very helpful to me in combating some of the irrational thinking that often accompanies clinical depression. I go back to it like a reference book whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed. The title is a bit lame, but the book is great: I'm a Day Late and a Dollar Short...and It's Okay, by Jo Ann Larsen.
Chapter 1 is titled, "The Caretaker." The premise is that one of women's foremost strengths is that she is designed to be a caretaker, "a dispenser of...emotional supplies", who nurtures and meets the needs of those around her. However, this attribute can also be her Achilles heel. Ms. Larsen then goes on to make the distinction between "unconscious caretaking" and "conscious caretaking." Unconscious caretakers simply respond to the demands put upon them, always giving, giving, and only reluctlantly receiving. They tend to stretch themselves beyond their limits, often resulting in fatigue, resentment, anger, guilt, or worse. Conscious caretakers "take charge of their lives and their choices, realizing that they have "limited time, energy, and resources." They make sure that they take care of themselves so there is enough of them to give to others. And the key to being a conscious caretaker is setting firm boundaries, including a boundary around space for nourishing yourself. And that isn't selfish, because it isn't selfish to take care of yourself.
Sound good? My summary is a little textbook, but yep, I think so too. Boundaries are a great idea. Just SO much easier said than done. I suppose I've gotten better at it. I can say no to telemarketers, even hang up on them. I can say no to solicitors at the front door. I can say no to the PTA fundraisers and the room mom, if I need to. I can say no to the friend who asks me to watch her kids at the exact same time I've made arrangements to go to the temple with my husband. I can say no to almost anything if I have a legitimate excuse. But I haven't figured out how to say no when I don't have a good excuse. And I really don't know how to set boundaries when it comes to my family. How do I tell my four little boys and my husband, at any given time, that my needs are more important than theirs? The only boundary that works for me there--sometimes--is the lock on the bathroom door! And that's usually an unsatisfactory and very temporary fix. As for nourishing myself, well, I get to yoga class when nothing else conflicts, and I've developed a scripture study routine that works fairly well on days when the kids are in school. But as my husband has recently advertised, I have no hobbies. And honestly, when I look at the family calendar, I don't know how I would fit one in.
So once again, I know the counsel is good; I believe it; I don't quite know how to do it. At the moment I guess I feel good about being aware, and about trying to figure this out. I know it's a process, but the sooner I can figure it out, the better.
Part 3 to follow, eventually.
posted by Harmony @ 9:17 PM
5 Comments
5 Comments:
Good points. I too have gotten better about saying no. Especially to things that take me away from my family. Even though I know church calling are important, sometimes it's hard not to feel resentful to callings that take up a lot of family time. I get time to myself when I go to the YMCA to work out and I leave my kids in the nursery there. But I can only do that twice a week, more than that and I feel guilty for leaving my kids too much. I'd like to serve more but it's challenging to do so with little children. I'm trying to be satisfied with just serving my own family right now. There's a time and a season to everything.
When you figure it out, let me know will you? ;) I think the biggest key point is that you still have little children. They demand a lot and you can't exactly tell them no because the things they want are usually needs, not wants. Not having older kids though, I could be wrong. It's just something others have said to me. Life is such a balancing act in all its aspects...
I am so grateful for this! I do not know how to say no, and sometimes I offer to do things that I don't even have time for. I would love to hear more about your scripture study system. I need to begin again with studying my scriptures.....I can't wait for part 3
Again, thanks Harm. I feel very similar. One thing came to mind while ready your blog....that was you may have to schedule your time for yourself. I find that when I actually have a plan to go do something by myself and include it in the schedule for the week I usually get a opportunity to actually follow through with it. Like your Yoga class....if it's a set thing each week then make sure everyone know's that your going and it's on the schedule unless something big comes up that you really can't miss or it's an emergency. My problem is I don't schedule time for me and when I try and set the time aside last minute I rarely actually get the time to myself....something always comes up and takes my alone time space. Another thing I've hear of Mom's doing is locking themselves in the bathroom and taking a nice soak in the tub just to get alone time to think clearly. And their family just knows that you don't bother Mom until she comes out unless someone needs to go to the emergency room. My problem there is I'm lucky to find time to get a 10 minute shower and can't ever find time for the bath. Good luck and can't wait for part 3.
“Harmony Needs A Hobby” I think was a wise effort by your husband. Why, not because you need time by yourself now, (although that is also a good idea), but a person needs to be able to expand their interest beyond their family needs. When people become “empty nesters” they don’t know what to do with themselves now they don’t need to take care of family. Many couples split up because of this. If we have other interest that we can do by ourselves or share with our spouse, than life can continue to be rewarding.
To survive the child rearing days, we have to remember one little word that can do wonders if used wisely – “”NO”“. It’s a proven fact that children will survive if they don’t play every sport every year, take music lessons from the age of 2 through 20, or all the other things we can do to occupy every spare minute of our children’s lives. The challenge is to achieve balance as we progress. (No hints on how to do this).
Good luck in your efforts. Just remember a person is usually doing a much better job of raising their kids than they think they are. In your case this is especially true.
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